theologer

"Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?" - Psalm 139:7

Remember how Adam and Eve thought they could hide in the garden? Or what about Jonah who thought he could flea by boat?

I was trying to think of ways I've done this, if I've ever tried to flea from his presence, and then it occurred to me. I'm embarrassed to say, but I play like a little kid would play hide and seek. I simply turn away for a bit and hope he does the same, "If I can't see you, you can't see me."

This is supposed to be a great promise and I'm convinced it is. But sad that I can look at it and think, "What a great promise. But man, I totally wish I could get away sometimes."

I'm alone without my wife for 4 more days, and it's rough. But there is something freeing about knowing no one is there to ask where I am throughout the day. We do talk 3 times a day on the phone, but its different than reporting where I'm going as I walk out the door. Somehow it feels like I'm free, like I can go and do whatever I want.

For the most part it's good, but there's a little bit of me that wants to sin while no one is looking. But then I remember this.

Funny how a program like Covenant Eyes (GREAT program, I highly suggest it) can make me feel like someone knows where I'm going on the internet, but I don't mind if God sees. Either I think He'll look away for a minute, or I take comfort in the fact that He doesn't scold me vocally (I wouldn't put it past Him though).

I'm doing alright being away from my wife - it's not easy, but don't read that into this post, it's not my point. My point is, we are held accountable, and it is a good thing.

Our God cares for us, and He'll be there WHEREVER we are (or go) to pick us up when we fall, to love us when we need love, and to remind us He's in control. We cannot (though it's absolutely beyond stupid that we try) to leave his presence.

"Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law." - Romans 13:10

Just take a minute and imagine what it would be like to fulfill the law. If you can't pull that off then imagine what it would be like to actually love people (you know, like selflessly, like a child, unabashedly, and always without fault).

It's pretty much impossible because we're so flawed.

That said, I'm thinking about how when I wrong my wife. However I do it, be it saying something mean or doing something stupid, it is almost never (I might dare even say it is never - but not quite) purposefully. I never think to myself, "You know, this will really rub my wife wrong, I'm going to say it just to make her angry." I just say something stupid, poorly thought out, and even more poorly worded. Then I hurt my wife and try to dig myself, making things worse and worse.

I love my wife, but my love is so imperfect, and so even in my striving for love I'm hurting the one I love the most; let alone how often I do this to friends or acquaintances or my literal neighbor.

And yet we're called to love "because He first loved us," which isn't a bad deal. Trust me, God is getting the short end of that bargain.

This is why we all need the Lord at the center of all our relationships, with our spouse, our kids, our friends, and our neighbors. Because we're too incompetent to do it on our own. We WILL hurt people, breaking the law. But love washed with Jesus' blood and understanding of this (by both parties) is how we maintain meaningful relationships. It's the ONLY way we maintain relationships.

So go forth. Love. Fulfill the law. Leaning on the Lord to wash your love because even our love stinks.

(p.s. Notice the subtle difference between "follow the law" and
"fulfill the law." in words its small, but in practice it's great)

"For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayer." - 1 Peter 3:12

There were suggestions flowing in like crazy from my last post and I appreciate it. I did a search for prayer on my blog and was impressed how much I have addressed the topic. One thing I found useful for a time was a schedule for payer, I addressed it almost a year ago today see my post - Contemplating Death Further.

But God's ears are open to their prayer. The righteous. I'm just thinking today about how I will often begin my prayer for others with "Lord, make me clean, forgive me of my sins and make me a righteous man so that you will hear this prayer and give heed." I have this fear that because of something in my life my prayer will be less powerful than if prayed by a truly righteous man (I know Jesus is the only way any of us are righteous), and so I pray to be seen as righteous before continuing my prayer.

This is one of the reasons I secretly long for the prayer of children. I think they have a particular gift for righteousness, and so I seek their prayers for while they may be simple, the Lord's ears will be open.

But in this, don't fail to see the gospel. We have no hope of righteousness and then to have our prayers heard and answered - not by our own strength that is. It's only because of what Christ did for us on the cross that we have any hope of righteousness, and then heard/answered prayers.

Carving out time for repentance is significant to our prayer life and why many people suggest starting there before personal petition.

"And after fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry." - Matthew 4:2

Today we talked a bit about this verse and all of verses 1-4. I have a really hard time processing this. I used to fast one day a week for 24 hours which ends up only being skipping breakfast and lunch but was still a good practice to be in. I had a mentor who encouraged me to do so.

Then about a year and half ago I did an extended fast. When I was done after 40 days of fasting I really expected God to show up in a powerful way. After all, most of my 3 days fasts ended with the Lord really showing up. But 40 days later I didn't hear hardly anything, just a faint "pride."

Who wants to hear "pride" at the end of 40 days? You could have told me that in a morning Bible study is my thought. But the truth is, if you look at my reasons for the 40 day fast, they were probably so that God could owe me something. Who knows. It's hard to have right motives about anything, but particularly about something like this.

Since then, I have attempted sort of a half-hearted self humbling, but not really pursued the issue I have with pride. Then last night I was reading something for class and it was talking about spiritual warfare and the strongholds the enemy can have related to pride. Specifically how difficult it is for the enemy to get to you when you humble yourself.

Then this morning this verse was brought up. I've always sort of assumed that some of the things I've been dealing with lately are related to my unwillingness to fast (its been a year and half now since I've even done a day long), and this sort of confirmed it. That said, I intend to get back into the habit. I know it humbles me. I know I was prideful.

And worst of all I know that my response to hearing that I need to work on my pride was to be prideful and grumpy with the Lord for not giving me something more "valuable." So I have some thinking to do. Some praying to do.

And I hate praying for humility.

God fasted for 40 days. And he was hungry. Yea, duh. But the point is, he understood what I was going through, and he gave me exactly what I needed to hear. Bummer tho. I'll get on that.

"I urge you, then, be imitators of me. That is why I sent you Timothy, my beloved and faithful child in the Lord, to remind you of my ways in Christ, as I teach them everywhere in every church." - 1 Corinthians 4:16-17

I'm trying to imagine a single situation in my life where I could feel like I lived a life representative enough of Christ to ask others to be imitators of me. Growing up my mother would say, "I'm cold, put on a jacket," but then she wasn't wearing a jacket and if I would call her out on it she'd respond, "Do as I say, not as I do." Because she knew she could not live up to a good enough standard for it to be imitate-able.

You know I've recently had my first daughter. She's now a mere two months old, but I'm already slightly horrified at many of the faults I see in myself being reflected in her. The times she gets overwhelmed are the same as me (or maybe its just that I'm like a child, it's hard to know). I found myself talking with my wife yesterday and saying, "No matter what we do, our children are going to spend the most time with us, and turn out most like us - and less like what we tell them to become. Therefore we need to determine to be who we want our children to be."

This means, if I want my kids to not be fearful, then I need to learn to cope with my fears and model a life free from fear. If I want my kids to truly follow Christ then I need to be a man who truly follows Christ. I would love to be considered a "beloved and faithful child in the Lord" worthy enough to "remind you of [Paul's] ways in Christ."

I would love to life a life exemplifying enough of Christ that my children - as they turn out like me - can be sent as ambassadors of Christ. If people imitate my children, they will be imitating me, and in turn, Christ.

Okay, I'm drawing this out maybe a bit long for the analogy with my children, but basically it comes down to this. Our children, like our disciples, will imitate us. Therefore, be who you want them to be. And that is obvious - IN LOVE WITH, AND LIKE JESUS.

Paul was able to be like Christ, enough so to be worthy of imitating. Are you that tough? I'm not, but I want to be.

"Then God saw what they did, how they turned from their evil way, God relented of the disaster that he had said he would do to them, and he did not do it." - Jonah 3:10

Some movies are made to make you identify with the bad guy and begin to take his side. After watching for an hour and half you begin to identify with his background and understand why he turned out the way he did. You relate a little bit to why he is killing, or stealing, or whatever it is he does. Often times the point is simply to make you see just how fallen we are, or just how easy it would be for any of us to get to that point.

I feel this way about Jonah, the Bible basically makes Jonah out to be a sinner because God decides he will destroy Nineveh and then after Jonah preaches to them he relents. Jonah gets angry about this, wanting God to go ahead and destroy the people. He had even left the city and gone out to make a place for himself to watch the show, expecting God to call to fire from heaven (maybe like he had destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah).

There are lots of reasons why Jonah would have wanted the city to be destroyed, but I totally end up taking his side in this story. We should be pleased at the graciousness of the God we serve, willing to save a whole city when they truly repent. But instead, I feel bad that poor Jonah had to walk the whole length of the city and decree their coming death and destruction only for it to not come to pass.

If God told me to go tell Bin Laden that He had decreed Bin Laden would live 40 more days and then die, I would be almost joyful to tell Bin Laden this. But then horrified if the Lord chose to spare him, no matter how great his repentance.

We worship a God willing to forgive an awful lot, I want to feel gratitude, but have a hard time doing so with this story, why is that?

(p.s. its interesting the KJV says the Lord repented - not relented - which would be an interesting discussion on its own, maybe I'll pose it at the forum...)

"For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died;" - 2 Corinthians 5:14

We have all died, because one died for all. Great news, and I believe it. Or rather, I have concluded it, but has it lead to the love of Christ controlling me?

Reading this I couldn't help but wonder what it would look like for the love of Christ to control me, or even more - a whole group of people (notice the "us" is plural). The Bible tells us the non-believers will know us by our love for one another. I imagine if we were controlled by the love of Christ then our actions would reflect love, and then it would be obvious to others.

"and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised." - v 15

He dies so that we would live a life controlled by His love. Was it in vain? Sure, His death lead to our salvation, but did it also lead to us living a life controlled by love?

I want so badly to live a changed life, leading others to see the controlling love of Christ and have that lead to their salvation, and changed life.

If we really believe the kingdom is here in part, I think its time we start living like it. I think its time I start living like it. Allowing the love of Christ to compel me to live as he would have me.

"He chose David his servant
and took him from the sheepfolds;  
from following the nursing ewes he brought him
to shepherd Jacob his people,
Israel his inheritance.  
With upright heart he shepherded them
and guided them with his skillful hand." - Psalms 78:70-72

Notice - chose, took, brought, shepherd, upright heart, shepherded, guided, skillful.

These are the words that jump out at me. I mentioned I just recently took a few classes on the topic of preaching. I went from thinking, "I'm pretty good at this, I've done this before and I know what I'm doing," to "Holy snap - I'm responsible for preaching the very words of God."

Similarly, as I'm looking at being a leader I'm thinking, "People like me, I'll do just fine, this outta be easy." But then the more I learn about leadership my response becomes "Holy snap - I'm responsible for leading the very children of God."

But this verse helps to set my heart at ease. If this is what the Lord has called me to do, then he chose me, took me, brought me, to this position. He will use me to shepherd, with an upright heart, to guide with a skillful hand.

Thank you Lord that I lead by your appointment, and by your strength. I may be comfortable with the things of this world by my own strength, but I am not comfortable leading and guiding the things of your kingdom with anything but a divine grace.

Be near to me, make me an upright man shepherd, a skillful guide. Amen.

"Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ" - Philippians 3:8

Here is another clear and simple proclamation of the gospel. All things are rubbish in the light of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus.

I once read something which suggested we all read the book of Philippians chapter 3 - 25 times in a row. It said it would change my life, and if it didn't it was because I hadn't read it 25 times. So I printed it out, sat down and read it through 25 times.

While I wouldn't say it changed my life, I did catch what Paul was going for quite a bit better than I had previously. This is the crucial verse. Everything in chapter 3 revolves around this verse. Paul counts everything as loss, everything as trash, to gain Christ.

It is so hard for me to give everything up for Christ. The truth is there are a lot of things I'm willing to give up. Home, comfort, even safety and health sometimes (though this last one is particularly hard for me), but giving up my computer? Internet? My wife? My child? There are things other people have sacrificed which I really don't know if I'd be able to.

Hudson Taylor's story has had a great impact on my life and ministry, and when I read about the two wives he lost, and the many children to disease and other things, I cannot fathom. My subconscious reminder to the Lord has become "Lord I'm willing to sacrifice, but only some things. You're good, but you're not that good."

I hate that this is where my mind goes, but I have a long ways to go to be a Paul, to count ALL things as rubbish. I desire the Lord with all my heart, er... most of my heart. I've still got some growing to do.

Thank you Lord that you are good, and loving, and caring. I want to be a hero for you, a soldier for you, willing to lay down everything for the surpassing worth of knowing you, but I don't know how. I like the gifts you've given me, I like them a lot. Help me to know your worth, and to follow you through thick and thin. If you truly are of surpassing worth, I want to truly believe it. I think Mark 9:24 should become a life verse for me "I believe; help my unbelief!"

"The salvation of the righteous is from the LORD; he is their stronghold in the time of trouble." - Psalm 37:39

Well I made it. And while this verse may be more about evil-dooers vs. those who trust in the Lord, I still think it applies.

I wanted to rejoice for a minute that the Lord pulled me through the 2nd most miserable trip of my life (One time I flew consecutively from Tirana Albania, to Vienna, to Beijing, to Los Angeles, to Denver... with a 7 hour layover in Vienna, 12 hour layover in Beijing and 10 hour layover in Los Angeles... I wanted to die, and blame this for my unreasonable dislike of flying).

My precious daughter flew wonderfully well and screamed only for a few minutes in the whole 40+ hour extravaganza. I did everything I could to look to the Lord, but credit your prayers and the Lord's grace.

I made it, I was calm, I wasn't miserable, I didn't want to die. And best of all I was reminded of my calling and the heart the Lord has given me for these people.

I'll be around, but need to get back to my kid and wife. Just wanted to say a big thank you for the prayers, and a big praise God for His grace. He is our stronghold, He is our salvation.

"Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver;
I have tried you in the furnace of affliction." - Isaiah 48:10

Why does he have to try us? Why through affliction? So often my prayers are "Lord make me humble, but please be nice," or "God I want to understand thanksgiving, but not by having things taken away from me," or "I want to be a man more in love with you, but I fear how you'll bring me there."

There is almost this slight mistrust on my part because I fear of how the Lord will do it. I fear His trial by fire. Trial by affliction.

But he does it for his sake:

"For my own sake, for my own sake, I do it,
for how should my name be profaned?
My glory I will not give to another." - Isaiah 48:11

Because we take His glory. As you know, I'm about to get on an airplane... in about 18 hours (or so). I'm stressed out. But I also know that if everything went well and I felt in control through the whole trip, then I would look back and say "I did pretty good. I brought us all the way here."

I almost think the Lord brings me adversity in traveling because it is the one thing of which I am unable to relinquish control. I want to trust God with it, but I don't. I want to bring the Lord glory.

So when I get there. I'll try to post something, and thank the Lord for how he brought me safely where I'm going.

That said, I may post once more tonight (I may not), but then I might not have internet access for several days, so if I'm out - well... sorry. But I'll be back.

Life has to return to some normalcy which has been gone for some time. So goodbye for now. I'll see you again shortly.

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be acceptable in your sight,
O Lord, my rock and my redeemer." - Psalm 19:14

Simply because so often,
they are not.

"And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him." - Hebrews 11:6

I read:

By faith it IS possible to please Him. And without it we lack even a chance so...
First believe He exists. Check.
Next believe that He rewards those who seek him. Check
Now I can draw near to God.

Interesting, that in order to draw near, we have to believe that the Lord will bless our efforts in seeking Him. That is, we not only have to seek God to draw near, but we have to believe that it will yield something valuable.

Faith. And then we can please Him. But this isn't supposed to be something which we DO. It's supposed to lead us to Jesus.

The writer of Hebrews is saying that God DOES reward those who seek Him. Then he's saying it's only by faith - belief, not action - that we please the Lord.

Belief. Not action. Get that? Faith.

"but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men." - Philippians 2:5-7

As I've been sorting through my feelings on blogging and this has been my thought process:

1. People read my blog. Cool. I should keep writing. I like that people read my writing.

2. As more people read I'll become like... internet famous. Which, while the lamest type of fame, is still cool.

3. I write under a pseudonym so I wont be able to become prideful.

4. I've become prideful.

5. I hope it still brings glory to the Lord and I'm not just a moron writing personal thoughts while leaving God out of the equation.

While, what I want to be thinking is:

1. People read my blog. Cool. I hope I'm writing things that are glorifying to God and edifying to these people.

2. As more people read my blog, more people will be blessed by the things I write which glorify God.

3. I hope people know this is a place that glorifies the Lord.

Note this verse in Philippians. HE WAS GOD PEOPLE! He was GOD and he was able to be humble and did not aspire to equality with God. I am not just mere mortal man, but LAME mere mortal man striving for INTERNET FAME! INTERNET respect... LAME!

We all know this verse... and probably the two verses preceding it... here the thought is in its entirety, "Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men." But pride is one of the hardest things NOT to live.

What does it look like to be a servant on the internet? I BEG an answer.

"And he said to all, 'If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.'" - Luke 9:23

I'm staying with a group of guys while I'm down here in Orlando and yesterday I noticed pasted on one of their doors what looks like a little kid's Sunday School project. It's a man with a cross pasted on his arms with Luke 9:23 written on it.

I don't know why it has never occurred to me before, but every time I've ever read this passage it seems so obvious to me what it means... because I know Jesus died on a cross. I know he took up a physical cross and carried it to Calvary.

But today it occurred to me, that Jesus is the one who said this - and before he died to boot. Has this been obvious to all of you? Am I alone in being clueless to this?

Imagine Jesus telling you to take up your cross and not knowing about what was coming and then trying to understand this... How would you understand it?

It seems so much more obvious to me that we must take up our cross because I know Jesus did it. He knows what its like because he took up a physical cross and a MUCH bigger spiritual cross than I will ever carry.

Thank God he took up a real cross. Now I just have to figure out what it looks like for me to live this verse and then we'll be good.

"But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong;" - 1 Corinthians 1:27

I came across this verse yesterday in my morning Bible study and had again a thought I've frequently had. That is, the Lord definitely uses the weak and those whom I would never choose to lead. He sets them in places of leadership and changes things the gifted fail to change.

Specifically I recall in college someone had united all the big campus ministries for a night of worship. It was a powerful evening like I hadn't attending in a very long time; we saw people come from all different denominations and walks of life and worship God together. At the end of the night they called up the guy who had arranged it to thank him. I was shocked. I knew him, and he was a total dork. He stuttered a little bit when he spoke (I suppose like Moses might have) and wasn't altogether generally well liked because he was socially awkward.

And yet the Lord used him in a powerful way. That night of worship in unity repeats every year now and I think has had a powerful impact on that school.

Now what gets me about this verse is my gifts. The Lord has made me bright, even semi-good looking, and comfortable speaking in front of people. I'm decently good at most sports I do, and most people enjoy interacting with me. That is, I would consider myself among the wise and the strong (maybe this makes me foolish in itself, but seriously, I've been greatly blessed by the Lord).

So when I read this I always wonder about the things I feel called to do. I feel called to do some pretty big things, but I wonder, will he use someone who is gifted?

I think the problem is, given my many strengths, I definitely have a tendency to rely on myself. I don't easily lean on the Lord when I teach because I'm comfortable speaking. Even if what I say isn't perfect, people will enjoy it. If I was to organize a campus wide worship evening on campus, I would have relied on my people skills and extroverted personality.

It's extremely hard for me to be humble and lean on the Lord because I'm good at many things! I don't mean this as a boast, but rather as a confession. If the Lord uses the weak and the foolish, it is because the wise and strong probably don't think they need God to do things.

Forgive me Lord, and give me the strength to be weak, and the wisdom to be foolish, that I may depend on you instead of my own strengths.

"Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire." - Hebrews 12:28-29

Today a guy in my class preached on this scripture and what he said was pretty fascinating, focusing mostly on the consuming fire.

He also talked about how we should be grateful and offer acceptable worship to God because we've been given a kingdom that cannot be shaken. Imagine if we were given something as our inheritance which was perishable?

Or even built well but with a poor foundation. I'm pleased to think that our inheritance in the kingdom will not pass away, or be affected by floods or earthquakes. I can leave candles on in the house and not be worried about them burning it down in my heavenly inheritance.

But then this verse is followed by the consuming fire. Our God is a force to be reckoned with, the same God that can provide something which cant be shaken, can also utterly destroy.

We worship a powerful God. I have a friend who is 6'6", he is half Native American and half Hispanic, and just got out of the marines. You would NOT want to meet this guy in a dark alley, but I can walk comfortably knowing he's on my side. A guy that big, he's good to have on your side.

God's the biggest, the toughest, and the scariest, but He's on our side, He's our friend, and we don't need to be afraid because we're with Him. And he has given us a good gift, an unshakable kingdom.

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day." - 2 Corinthians 4:16

I read this and think, THANK GOD! I'm so tired... class from 8-5 everyday all day long will wear on a guy. But I still have five more days to go.

But seriously, praise God he renews us inside, praise God because my outer self is wasting away too quickly. I had four fake teeth before I was 22 years old. Now I'm still young and already having back problems (enough to have been to a chiropractor for the last 2 months and still not be better), I'm balding and even my mind is fading (I think, this one is hard to measure).

The point is, our father looks out for us. He is renewing our spirit, that which will live forever. We're like the 1942 Chevy that will be driven in 2002, 3002, and even 14,009. We may get our oil changed but that won't be enough to keep us running for eternity; we need something supernatural.

Thank you Lord.

"Let us lie down in our shame, and let our dishonor cover us. For we have sinned against the LORD our God, we and our fathers, from our youth even to this day, and we have not obeyed the voice of the LORD our God." - Jeremiah 3:25

I wrote the other day about shame and guilt and I've been thinking about it since. In the shame based culture where I've been spending my time these days, we've had to really re-think the way we do evangelism. Now there are experts who know these things but I found it fascinating.

The thing is, in America we would read this verse and then think, "we have sinned." That is, we have done something wrong that needs to be made right. We will even share the gospel with people as "you have sinned, and the only person who can make things right is God Himself, you do want to be forgiven don't you? What you did was wrong!"

But in a shame based culture they would read this verse completely differently and think, "Oh my gosh, we sinned AGAINST the Lord! We have shamed God!" And then to apply it in evangelism a whole new approach must be taken, as this person would not care if what they had done was wrong, turning to Jesus would bring shame to their family. Therefore the approach of "You have shamed God, your creator, the only way you can bring back the honor he deserves is to turn to Him and He will choose to forget how you have wronged Him. What you did was shameful!"

Then people wake up, "Oh my gosh," they say, "I shamed God!" And then this becomes the vehicle by which they turn to the Lord.

Anyhow, I just found this fascinating. We read sin and think wrongdoing. They read sin and think dishonor.

"Seek the LORD and his strength;
seek his presence continually!" - Psalm 105:4

It took me nearly twenty years to learn that this is the essence of the Christian life. I heard it over and over again but I almost never saw it lived out. In retrospect I think my father and few other people successfully modeled trying to seek the Lord, but we're all just so bad at it.

My ESV Bible titles this Psalm "Tell of all his wonderful works," which is a good summary of what it says. I appreciate the Psalm because David pretty systematically praises the Lord and sings of the freedom the Lord has given him and his ancestors.

As a father I lay my hand on my daughter's head everyday and I beg the Lord that she would know Him and that she would know the joy which comes from seeking Him. I was so old before I learned life was not about me. I was so old before I learned I alone could never find satisfaction, hope, and love. I was always sooooo close (or so I thought) because I could find fleeting things. But I never experienced true joy, and the freedom that comes from it, until I learned to seek the Lord's strength and dwell in His presence.

Childhood was hard because I didn't understand this. I hope it's more obvious to my kids. I hope I can model a life saved by grace and not always make it seem like I'm the one who will really bring myself salvation. I want to model seeking the Lord's strength instead of my own, and seeking Him instead of the things of this world.

I should also mention, in Hudson Taylor's Spiritual Secret at one point someone asks Hudson Taylor if it's hard to constantly remember that he dwells in the Lord. His answer was something along the lines of "If you stay the night at a friends house, and forget that you're staying there, does that mean you're no longer in the house?"

We can forget we're in the presence of the Lord, but we're still there.