This week, namely yesterday, marked a new stone turned over. I tried something I’ve wanted to try my hand at for years and put myself out there in a new, scary, and strange way. Maybe I’ll be shut down, and try to tell myself I never really wanted it anyhow. Maybe I’ll be well received and panic and run. But turning over new stones is always scary. What if there’s something new under this one?
I’ve had a lot on my plate for some time now and I am acutely aware of my inability to sort through even knowing what I desire. I feel like the Lord has me on a precipice and is threatening to push me over. Not to kill me, mind you, just to make fall briefly into my discomfort zone.
It’s fascinating to watch theology I’ve had all my life be challenged by the reality of having to face the situation. I can believe I’ll behave one way, but I’m watching my doubts and fears respond in whole new ways. Especially as I attempt to consider my family and their needs and desires.
I’ve watched pastors and other believers whom I’ve counseled deal with similar situations and I always thought them so weak for not knowing what they want. And now I have no idea what I want. I figured if ever in this situation I would be clear about what I wanted, or at least the Lord’s will, and then I would pursue that boldly. “Like a man,” if you will. But now? Well, now I know to compassion on those in these situations. To love them, encourage them, and help them when they fail. Even when they fail to pursue what I think they want. Because apparently sometimes, we genuinely don’t know.
Here’s to hoping this stone only has bugs and dirt I’m familiar with on the other side. Or else something fascinating I can’t look away from. I’m fine with either one.