Fear like I don't fear. And giving it up to the Lord.

I dislike airplanes, I think I've mentioned that. But there is one thing that stresses me out much more than any airport problem can. And that is my family having health issues.

We're in northern Thailand because we (like most people who live a third-world country in this part of the world) flea the country when we need to do something big medically, like have a baby. So we'll be here for two months. Well, Sunday night my wife and I went to church at an international fellowship here (we don't speak any thai so this is a good fit for the two months). My daughter was running and playing and came running toward me and then tripped. Except this trip was a little different, she went face down and didn't stand back up. I went over to look at her and she was seizing.

To say that fear that struck me was overwhelming would be an understatement. I don't process that well. And seeing my daughter do that was absolutely terrifying. Thankfully there was a doctor nearby who knew what to do. Apparently she was having a Febral Seizure. So once we were able to cool her off the seizure stopped (only about 2-3 minutes). Then it was off to a hospital and gripping fear for hours until we knew what had happened. Later just about the time we calmed down she seized again as her fever spiked again.

Take my word for it, if you have kids this is not something you want to see no matter how much the doctor tells you that it wont have lasting side effects.

My daughter is doing well now and she and my wife just went home from the hospital an hour ago or so. I'm waiting around for them to solve all our insurance issues and then pay the bill.

But in all of this I'm faced with something anew. Something I hate. And that is God asking me, "Do you trust me with your family? Will you stay here even if your family is not healthy?"

I want to say yes. I don't want to leave the mission field because of health issues. But that said, if this had happened while we were home in a place where I do not trust the doctors to know what to do anymore than the insects, I would have panicked even more, and I would begin to question God.

Again, that said, I wasn't at home when this happened. I was in a country where I trust the medical care. I was standing 25 feet from a doctor because I was at a church. If that's not the Lord's hand taking care of my family I don't know what is. But this is the hardest thing in the world for me to give up.

Would you be able to live and serve in a place with little to no medical care? Many people have lost family in the field. Is that a sacrifice you would be willing to make? I am still trying to answer this one myself. I hope I never have to.

Update: After discussing this with my wife it feels much less like God asking, "Would you be willing?" and much more like Him saying, "I've got you, and your family is in good hands with me."