The trouble with being 'self-aware'

One thing people have said of me for a long time is that I'm self aware. It's true in the sense that I know who I am, what I believe, why I do what I do etc... But there are some pitfalls.

For example. Today I was reading a book on the Holy Spirit's role in our ministry, particularly preaching. And the author of this book keeps putting forth the idea that the weak are the heroes in God's kingdom. Not the strong. Because they are incredibly aware of their need for the Lord. So follow me if you will into my thought life as I read this:

Okay, this is a bummer because I'm good at a lot of things. I do not consider myself weak. I consider myself able. This is a bad thing in the Kingdom of God right? So maybe I should make myself weaker? No... that's probably not at all what it's saying. Probably what it is is that the heroes in God's kingdom may by all means be considered able by other's standards, but they still recognize their worthlessness when compared to God (the only one I should be comparing myself to anyhow). Okay so I need to recognize my worthlessness when standing before the Lord. If I see how useless I am without the Lord then I will be aware of my weaknesses and then know my need to depend on the Lord.

Alright. I can do that. Right?

Actually, maybe I do already do that. I feel like the Lord has overwhelmingly blessed my ministry even though I've been bumbling through like an idiot having no idea what I'm doing. Oh, then maybe I HAVE been depending on the Lord aware of my weaknesses and aware of my need for God. Wow then I'm doing pretty great.


You see how quickly I come full circle? Pondering -> pride -> awareness of my pride and need for humility -> humility -> awareness of my humility -> pride in my humility.

Ah. What a retched man I am.